Archive for the ‘BDSM’ Category

Great Spanking Info!

Posted: October 15, 2015 by harlow2 in D/s

AUTHOR: Spankingbasics.com

Welcome!

This site is meant for anyone who has been having fantasies or obsessions about spanking but don’t know what, if anything, to ever do about it. It is also meant as a resource for friends of spankos, so that they may better understand what their friend or partner is going through and what they may do about it.

Spanking is something that some people in the world are involuntarily obsessed with. This obsession doesn’t make a person weird or unhealthy, nor does it mean they are seeking unsafe outlets for an underlying psychological condition. Spanking, when practiced correctly in a willing and consensual environment, is a really rewarding activity that has brought happiness to those who are wired to want and/or need it.

On the left are the navigation links to the different areas of this site. “The Basics” is the longest and will cover items such as different roles a spanko can have in a spanking relationship, responsibilities of a spanker and spankee, different types of spanking, and also spanking positions and implements. “F.A.Q.s” will cover the questions that people who are new to spanking as a “thing” can often ask. The “Glossary” section will define words you’re likely to see used by other spankos which are not intuitively defined.

Since the age of people who visit this site won’t be determined, this site intentionally omits any pictures, videos, explicit descriptions of adult content as well as any external links to any site which might contain those things.

This site will NOT discuss anything related to children in any way. I’d say “look elsewhere”, but I don’t want you doing that either. If you’re looking for spanking content related to kids, go sit in a corner and feel ashamed of yourself; it’s a much better use of your time.

Basic Stuff To Know

The “Roles”, “Responsibilities”, “Types of Spankings”, “Spanking Positions”, and “Implements” sections can be collapsed by clicking on their respective headers.

Quick Navigation

Roles

SpankersSpankeesVariable TitlesAuxiliary Roles

Responsibilities

For a spankerFor a spankee

Types of Spanking

Spanking Positions

Implements

What is spanking?

Spanking is an act which uses pain, applied exclusively to the recipient’s bottom, as a tool for producing an intended effect. That effect can either be remorse over unwanted behavior, release of unwanted emotions, mutual enjoyment, or any other number of things which will be discussed below.

An important thing to always keep in mind is that spanking is a tool, not a solution. It cannot be applied as a cure-all for what ails a relationship or a person’s behavior. The atmosphere of the spanking, the trust between the spanker and spankee, the rationale behind the spanking – all of these things collectively result in the effectiveness of a spanking. Do not use it as a solution; treat it as a tool that must be used in conjunction with other tools.

What is a spanko?

A spanko is anyone who is fascinated by the act (or even mention) of spanking. This fascination can extend to related activities such as lecturing, corner time, stern looks, etc. Spankos can sometimes clarify their interest by identifying as a “spanko purist” and/or “hard-wired spanko” (see the glossary for definition of those terms).

Roles

Caveat: Remember that a person can claim any one of these roles whether or not they have any knowledge of or experience with it. Finding and engaging a spanking partner of any kind always carries risk with it, whether injurious risk (physical and/or emotional) or anticlimactic risk (you didn’t get what you wanted). Be responsible in selecting one.

Spankers

Disciplinarian

This is a person who disciplines you when you break rules and also (optionally) helps you set said rules.

Mentor

This is a person who helps you set rules and (optionally) disciplines you for breaking them.

Top

A (usually) generic title for anyone who is a spanker.

Spankees

bottom

A (usually) generic title for anyone who is a spankee.

brat

Someone who enjoys misbehaving (either playfully or realistically) before and/or during a spanking.

charge / mentee / ward

These terms have many definitions, but they usually refer to a person who is in some sort of dynamic with a Mentor.

Variable Titles

Switch

Someone who is willing to be either a spanker or spankee, depending on the partner.

Play Partner

A generic term for someone with whom you have a (usually) ongoing spanking relationship.

Auxiliary Roles

Teacher

Someone who is willing and able to help you see and understand spanking-related ideas and practices based on the perspective of their own experiences.

Student

You, hopefully.

Safety Call

Someone who remains available to you (usually via phone) while you’re meeting up with a spanking partner you haven’t fully gotten to know, yet. This person is responsible for helping you or getting you help if you end up in any danger, and therefore needs to know who you’re with, where you are, roughly how long you’re expected to remain out of contact before the worrying begins, etc.

Responsibilities

There are some responsiblities which must be performed by both partners. They include:

  • Learning your preferences and tolerances.
  • Remembering your preferences and tolerances.
  • Communicating your preferences and tolerances to your partner.
  • Responding to what your partner communicates.

In addition to performing your own responsibilities, it is advisable that you also take appropriate measures to ensure that your partner is fulfilling theirs.

Responsibilities of a Spanker

As a spanker, your job is generally to direct and manage a scene from beginning to end.

Regardless of the type of relationship you have with your spankee:

  • Learn how to effectively deliver the type of spanking you intend to give.
  • Learn about an implement before using it.
  • Ensure that you are in an appropriate mindset for giving a spanking.
  • Learn, remember, and act within your spankee’s tolerances.
  • Know what level of markings your spankee is comfortable with before you start to spank. If the spanking approaches that level, check in with the spankee and make sure you understand how they wish you to proceed.
  • Ensure that your spankings are both fair (with regard to why you’re spanking) and more-or-less consistent in intensity, depending on the type of spanking you’re giving.

Depending on the type of relationship you have with your spankee:

  • Provide emotional and/or physical care after a spanking.
  • Enforce any agreed-upon rules.

Things that are NOT the responsibility of a Spanker

  • Prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own. While it is important to remain sensitive to the physical and emotional needs of your partner, they do not have greater importance than your own. Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.
  • Telepathy. A spanker is not responsible for knowing what’s on a spankee’s mind without explicit communication from the spankee.
  • Ensuring that your partner is being honest and forthcoming with their communication. While it is essential to listen to what your partner communicates to you, it is your partner’s responsibility, not yours, to ensure that what they are thinking and what they are saying is the same thing.
  • Clairvoyance. A spanker is not responsible for predicting how someone may or may not react to something without prior experience and/or explicit communication with that person beforehand.

“What demeanor should I have around a spankee?”

Avoid “should”s when it comes to behavioral protocol. You don’t “need” to be stern or authoritative or any other stereotype. Act and react genuinely while maintaining an appropriate respect for your partner. That’s all.

Responsibilities of a Spankee

As a spankee, you have two, basic responsibilities: your safety and your fulfillment.

For your safety:

  1. Make sure you are pursuing spanking for healthy reasons.
  2. Know your limits and limitations.
  3. Explicitly communicate those limits and limitations, where applicable, to your partner.
  4. Effectively safeguard those limits and limitations.

For your fulfillment:

  1. Know what it is that you get out of spanking.
  2. Find trustworthy people who are willing to spank you.
  3. Explicitly communicate your needs and desires to your partner.

Healthy Reasons

Spanking should never be used as a substitute or treatment for addiction (self-mutiliation, drug abuse, etc) nor should it ever be used to ‘treat’ any condition (anorexia nervosa, bulimia, etc), nor should it ever be used in lieu of fulfilling adult responsibilities (if you are incapable of motivating yourself, do not use spanking to compensate for that).

Limits and Limitations

“Limits” are what you’re unwilling to do. “Limitations” are what you’re unable to do. Recognize the difference. Sometimes you may be willing to do something your body or emotions cannot handle. Sometimes, you may be convinced to do something you’re unwilling to do by being told you are technically capable of it. Don’t do either.

It’s important to remember that a limit and/or limitation does not need to be persistent in order to be valid. For example: while the majority of your limits and limitations are likely going to be more or less permanent, an hour-long objection to punitive spankings is no less valid than a life-long aversion to the use of a particular implement. Even if a limit apparently only applies to a particular day, hour, or even moment, it still needs to be treated exactly the same as any other. It’s also important to remember that you may have different limits and limitations based on the context of who’s spanking you, what’s being used, or even what kind of spanking it’s meant to be. Don’t be surprised if you can take an hour-long beating with a cane when it’s for fun but also can’t handle more than a few strokes if it’s for punishment. There are no rules for how (internally) accepting or resistant you should be to any part of this.

Communication

Whether your limits and limitations are physical or psychological, you must communicate those which are applicable to your partner before they can become an issue. While it can be difficult to be that vulnerable in revealing those to someone, this is why it’s important: If you do not clearly and explicitly communicate a limit or limitation to a partner, you are claiming all responsibility (and simultaneously absolving your partner from any responsibility) for any damage done to you as a result of that limit or limitation being crossed. Even if you find that to be an acceptable risk, you also must remember that any damage to you will be putting your well-intentioned partner through a very bad time as a result of any hurt being caused. If you have any personal limit or limitation which might be put at risk during any portion of a scene, your partner needs to be informed of it and you will also need to re-acquire their consent to playing with you before a scene may begin.

Remember that, along with keeping yourself safe, you also have responsibilities with keeping your interests fulfilled. You and only you are responsible (every time) for your partner knowing when you might want or need a spanking. You and only you are responsible for telling your partner when a spanking has gone beyond what you can take. While you might be blessed with a partner who’s particularly adept at detecting these things, especially after being with you a while, these responsibilities never shift from you over to them, nor should they ever be expected to. Pay attention to yourself; make sure your partner knows what’s going on inside your head.

Safeguarding your limits and limitations

If someone wants to convince you that your limits or limitations are invalid, go ahead and hear them out, if you want. It’s healthy to periodically get external perspective and experience applied to your journey. If someone tries to overrule or override your stated limits and limitations, however, fight them on it. Tooth and nail, if you have to. Even if they are technically correct, the fact that you still believe that it’s a limit or limitation means your brain and body won’t be receptive to the act, and it can only result in a negative experience for you.

Things that are NOT the responsibility of a spankee

  • Prioritizing your partner’s needs over your own. While it is important to remain sensitive to the physical and emotional needs of your partner, they do not have greater importance than your own. Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.
  • Unconditional obedience. The rules you’re being held and/or the consequences set for breaking them have to be ones that you agree to of your own free will.
  • Unconditional acceptance of correction. No matter what the reason may be, you should NOT accept a spanking you don’t feel ready to accept.
  • Ensuring that your partner is being honest and forthcoming with their communication. While it is essential to listen to what your partner communicates to you, it is your partner’s responsibility, not yours, to ensure that what they are thinking and what they are saying is the same thing.

“Where’s the section on how I’m supposed to behave around a spanker?”

If there is one, you won’t find it here. Avoid “supposed to”s when it comes to behavioral protocol. You don’t “need” to be submissive, pouty, demure, bratty, or any other stereotype. Act and react genuinely while maintaining an appropriate respect for your partner. That’s all.

Types of Spanking

Note: Remember that every spanking must be a cooperative (and complementary) effort if it’s going to be both healthy and constructive. Both of you have to be in the right mindset for the kind of spanking you want to give.

Note 2: This is not a complete list, nor is there any existing consensus on the validity or defintion of these terms.

Arbitrary

A spanking given for no particular purpose, often as a result of the spanking partners simply being in the mood for a spanking.

Corrective

Discipline

Not to be confused with Punishment, “discipline” comes from the Latin word disciplina which means ‘instruction’. A disciplinary spanking is meant to provide instruction for future behavior, as opposed to providing a consequence for past behavior.

Punishment

Not to be confused with Discipline, “punishment” comes from the Latin word punire which means ‘penalty’. A punishment spanking is meant to provide a consequence for past behavior, as opposed to instruction for future behavior.

Demonstrative

A spanking given in the presence of at least one observer, usually for instructional purposes.

Erotic

Spanking given before or during (or sometimes instead of) sex for the purpose of eliciting sexual arousal.

Mandatory

A spanking that is going to be given regardless of the spankee’s behavior.

Bedtime Spankings

A spanking given before bed each night.

Wake-up Spankings

A spanking given at the beginning of the day.

Maintenance

A spanking which is given, usually at regularly scheduled intervals, to ensure that behavior is kept at a desirable level.

Motivational

A spanking given to prompt the spankee to put more effort into completing a desired task.

Playful

A spanking given in a light-hearted atmosphere with light-hearted intentions.

Preventive

A spanking given with the intention of preventing an unwanted attitude, behavior, or action before it can take place.

Relief

Calming

Not to be confused with Therapeutic, a calming spanking seeks to return an overly-emotional person’s emotional state back to baseline.

Therapeutic

Also known as “stress relief”, and not to be confused with Calming, a therapeutic spanking seeks to help someone release emotions that are being unhealthily built up.

Reward

A (usually more gentle) spanking given to serve as positive re-enforcement for a desired behavior.

Rhetorical

A spanking used to win or help win an argument. Unless both partners enjoy this kind of spanking, it is usually unethical and probably abusive.

Romantic

A spanking given to produce and/or intensify romantic feelings between spanker and spankee.

Special Occasion

A spanking given, usually in celebration, for a special event. Birthday spankings are an example of these.

Unique / Colloquial

Blissipline

A portmanteau of “bliss” and “discipline”.

Funishment

A portmanteau of “fun” and “punishment”.

Spanking Positions

You may not expect it, but a poor spanking position can ruin a spanking. It’s important to know about different options, how well they suit different kinds of spankings, and, when necessary, what sort of posture is ideal in maintaining it.

General considerations for any position:

  • For just about any spanking position, it’s ideal that the spankee’s bottom be elevated or pushed out in some way, so that the spanker has a better target and is less likely to strike somewhere else unintentionally.
  • It’s important that the only discomfort the spankee experience be on their bottom. It’s good practice to make sure the spankee is in all other ways comfortable prior to a spanking starting.
  • Make sure that the tip of whatever implement is being used comfortably reaches the far side of the spankee’s bottom.

There are four basics stances for a spanking: Bending over, lying over something, standing, and diaper position.

Bending over

Being over the spanker’s knees

This is known as the classic “Over The Knee” (OTK) position. The optimal posture for this position is to have the spankee’s sit spot (the area between the spankee’s bottom and legs) line up with the outside edge of the spanker’s leg (not the spankee’s waist, as can sometimes happen). It’s also good to make sure that the spankee is positioned in such a way that the spanker is able to use their dominant hand to spank with.

Bending over an object

This position has the spankee bending over an object such as a piece of furniture, with the spanker positioned perpendicularly to the spankee. It’s ideal to either select a cushioned surface for the spankee to bend over, or to provide a cushion of some kind if they are bent over a more solid object.

Bending over nothing – with support

This position has the spankee simply bend over while supporting themselves by placing their hands on their knees or grabbing their ankles.

Bending over nothing – without support

This position has the spankee simply bend over while using nothing to support themselves.

Diaper Position

This position has the spankee lay on their back while holding their legs directly upwards. Either the spankee can be kept responsible for keeping their legs in position or the spanker can hold their legs steady, usually by grabbing the spankee’s ankles and holding them in place.

Lying over something

This position has the spankee lay prone over an object (such as a pillow on a bed) which elevates their hips. This position is pretty fool-proof. The only element to be considerate of is that the distance between the spanker and spankee is equal to the length of the implement that will be used for the spanking.

Standing

For this position, the spankee can either be standing completely upright or they can lean against an object with their bottom pushed out. With the latter, it’s advised that the spankee place their hands on whatever they are leaning against for support.

Implements

Never use an implement that has been damaged in any way.

Common Materials

First, it is important to know the materials from which an implement can be made.

  • Leather – Both stingy and thuddy. Probably has the greatest range of any material in terms of mildness or severity. Must receive regular care or it will start to dry and crack.
  • Plastic
    • Acrylic – Inexpensive, but also the easiest to break. Will usually leave welts on the recipients’s skin.
    • Delrin – Advertised as unbreakable. Usually very flexibly and stingy.
    • Lexan – Advertised as unbreakable. Very dense and thuddy. Use with caution.
  • Rubber – Very thuddy. Can usually only be used in small doses.
  • Wood
    • Dense – Heavy hitter. Very easily bruises the skin. Exercise extreme caution in your aiming as a misplaced strike can damage body parts.
    • Light – Stingy. Will often leave the skin red and somewhat inflamed. Can usually be used for longer periods of time than heavy wood, but will also dry out the spankee’s skin quickly.

Common Implements

The terms used for “intensity” are relative to a spanking which is meant to be felt. When you see “mild”, think “mild for a spanking”, not “mild for a backrub”.

Belt

ExpertiseSensationIntensityNoise LevelIntermediate Thuddy/Stingy Moderate to Severe Moderate

Brush

Bathbrush

ExpertiseSensationIntensityNoise LevelIntermediate to Advanced Thuddy Severe Loud

Hairbrush

ExpertiseSensationIntensityNoise LevelIntermediate Thuddy/Stingy Moderate to Severe Moderate to Loud

Cane

Thick

ExpertiseSensationIntensityNoise LevelAdvanced Stingy/Thuddy Severe Moderate

Thin

ExpertiseSensationIntensityNoise LevelAdvanced Stingy Moderate to Severe Discreet

Paddle

Large

ExpertiseSensationIntensityNoise LevelAdvanced Thuddy/Stingy Severe Loud

Small

ExpertiseSensationIntensityNoise LevelIntermediate Stingy and/or Thuddy(depending on material) Moderate Moderate to Loud

Hand

ExpertiseSensationIntensityNoise LevelBeginner Stingy/Thuddy Mild to Moderate Moderate

Ruler

ExpertiseSensationIntensityNoise LevelBeginner Stingy Mild Discreet to Moderate

Spoon

ExpertiseSensationIntensityNoise LevelBeginner Stingy Mild to Moderate Moderate

Strap

ExpertiseSensationIntensityNoise LevelIntermediate to Advanced Thuddy/Stingy Moderate to Severe Moderate

The Drops

Posted: May 5, 2015 by whipchainsducttape in BDSM, D/s, sub-drop, Submissive, The connection

Having sub-drop is not easy no matter what is going on in your life. Even if you have a support group, and great aftercare it can still happen. The best way to get through this is to be prepared, know the signs and communicate to your Dom/me.

There is a ton of information on varies sites about aftercare, aftercare kits etc…but not much about a sub-drop kit. Please don’t forget that sub-drop can happen to anyone, no matter how well you communicate or how great the aftercare was.

Let’s start off by discussing what your body goes through during a BDSM scene. Your body goes through many changes because of the pleasure and the pain throughout the scene. Your body’s natural reaction is to release epinephrine from the adrenal glands, as well as endorphins and enkephalins. This produces a trance like state, where our pain tolerance is higher and we have a floating feeling aka subspace. Your body enjoys this feeling, and does not react well when it’s over.  It can happen other ways as well like a “runner’s high”. When the scene is over and you float back down to reality you body can cause the opposite reaction called sub-drop.

While in sub-drop, you can feel depressed, very emotional, hopeless, embarrassed of the scene, needy, even suicidal. The effects vary from person to person and even vary with different scenes. This is why communication (yes that word again) is #1. Let your Dom/me or Top know if you have any mental problems, taking medication for it, or have had suicidal thought or actions. That way aftercare can be handled in a proper fashion.

The key to handling this in the best way possible is to know your body, know the signs, and being prepared. Now of course this will vary depending on if your relationship is LDR, On-line only, or if you live together. No matter what, have the aftercare kit, and a drop kit ready, it’s always better to be safe than to be sorry.

In your aftercare kit, I suggest a blanket (your temp can drop in subspace), hard candy or chocolate, your fave stuffie, water or Gatorade (need to re-hydrate after a scene), a dvd of your favorite movie, a letter from your Dom/me (Dom/me make sure you let them know just how proud you are of them and how far they have come in their submission), access to your Dom/me if you are in a LDR or on-line only type relationship (the first 24 hrs are the most crucial).

In your drop kit (some things may be the same or similar to the aftercare kit), i know some of these things are going to sound simple, but remember subdrop is very similar to a bad case of depression. A warm blanket, watch your favorite movie or a season of your favorite show, a schedule for the next day or so (any appointments, medication times, even a menu of food you need to prepare for you/your family), box of tissue, chocolate or hard candy, lots of water, take a walk (fresh air and sunlight can work wonders on your body), call a friend (sometimes talking about other things can take your mind off of what you’re going through), go see a movie with a friend (forcing you to get dressed, get fresh air, and enjoying yourself), take a bubble bath (candles, oils, your favorite music), get your hair cut, colored or just styled (pamper yourself), a body massage (works wonders, but take the bruises in consideration). The MOST important thing would be to communicate to your Dom/me or Top of what you are going through, talking it out can sometimes help you, also knowing this is normal and will pass can also help.

D/s or BDSM is NOT something you just jump into, education yourself about the different aspects of this lifestyle, knowing your needs AND your limits can help the scene, know your body both mental and physical, communication (before, during and after a scene), trusting your partner, and last but not least is to be prepared. All of this can help you and your partner have a productive scene, find a connection and form a bond.

If you have any question you can always reach me by Email.

by Jen of WCDT

10801833_680796885369737_5059986256809897753_n

What’s new with WCDT?

Posted: April 21, 2015 by whipchainsducttape in D/s

WCDT has joined KIK (an app for phones and tablets) for one on one advice, discussion or just general support with myself or we have a group chat. To find me search VioletTempest13 or the chat search TBA.

I have started an online paper with paper.li called The WCDT Weekly, i wanted to go over a few things with you.  As far as i can tell (and im new at this), it headlines only a few items each time i publish, you need to go into the “archives” by picking a date, there it will show everything i have posted…including videos. I am always up for promoting others work, so if you have a blog and would like me to share an article, email me at WCDT. *please include a link to your article.

Thanks everyone for the continued support on all WCDT sites.

~June

 

Is there love in BDSM?

Posted: April 13, 2015 by whipchainsducttape in D/s

There are so many different dynamics within BDSM that there is no set in stone rules when it comes to actual love needing to be a part of it one way or another. Many have the desire to find a love match whereas many only seeking a play partner and nothing more. BDSM and the relationship you seek is something only you can choose to custom fit based on your needs both physically and emotionally. Many have committed D/s relationships where “love” is not necessary but is just as deep and committed as one with love.

For me personally there does not have to be “love” I DO however have to “care” for my Dom because I could never surrender myself completely to another unless I cared for Him on a deeper level. I have had play partners but to me, that was not fulfilling enough as I desire a deeper commitment and a D/s relationship not just a session here or there if you will. With the Dominants I have had I have always been very straight forward in my expectations/limitations regarding my emotional needs so we would both know exactly what the other was looking for and if love was necessity for them then upfront I knew we were not compatible and saved ourselves unnecessary vesting of time and feelings. It is crucial to do your best by not only yourself but also your potential partner so neither creates false expectations.

If you want it all and love is something you need within your dynamic be open and honest about it and what you are looking to achieve with them. If you do not want love to play a part then say that without hesitation. No one can predict WHAT will grow in time or won’t. So if love “happens” then so be it but at least you’ll be able to truly start a relationship with someone honestly with all cards on the table and knowing well where you each stand. Communication, as always, is what it all boils down to. Don’t be afraid to throw the “L” word out there, just make sure your partner is seeking or open to the same emotional expectations too. ~Harlow

11116469_574372682704682_3972120522661682633_n

BDSM Books

Posted: April 12, 2015 by whipchainsducttape in D/s

Here are some books that i recommend for anyone in the lifestyle that want to gain a better understanding of BDSM.

A Submissive’s Heart by Kaye Hatcher

http://www.amazon.com/Submissives-Heart-Kayngel-Hatcher-ebook/dp/B00EGXXMUW/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=1-1-catcorr&qid=1417183182

More Than Two by Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert

http://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-practical-polyamory-ebook/dp/B00MSF4SLC/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1428892786&sr=1-1&keywords=more+than+two

Everything BDSM by Abbey Pointer & John Pointer

http://www.amazon.com/Everything-BDSM-Abbey-Pointer-ebook/dp/B00BXQVC1Q/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1428893136&sr=1-1&keywords=everything+bdsm

BDSM: The Naked Truth by Charley Ferrer

http://www.amazon.com/BDSM-Naked-Truth-Charley-Ferrer-ebook/dp/B00AGZAX9W/ref=sr_1_6?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1428893581&sr=1-6&keywords=Charley+ferrer

SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

http://www.amazon.com/101-Realistic-Introduction-Jay-Wiseman/dp/0963976389/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1428893838&sr=1-1-catcorr&keywords=SM+101

 

 

The Collar

Posted: March 3, 2014 by whipchainsducttape in D/s

The Collar by June

 

A collar is NOT a joke!

It is NOT some pretty necklace your boyfriend bought you!

It NOT something you should be taking after submitting last week!

It is a bond, between Master/slave, Dom/sub, Daddy/lg (and other dynamics) that is SUPPOSE to last a lifetime, it is and should be treated as a sacred bond, a marriage between two people that live a different type of lifestyle.

I really get sick of some people that are collared within days of even knowing their Dom..its like going to Vegas and marrying the drunk guy in the casino. Have some respect for yourself and this lifestyle, think things through before submitting and taking His collar. There is no need to rush things, IF it is meant to be it will.

1900158_1467869863424799_223095971_n

WCDT 101: Back to basics with safe words by Jen

Posted: March 3, 2014 by whipchainsducttape in D/s

WCDT 101: Back to basics with safe words by Jen.

A safe word is a code word to let your Dominant (or play partner) know that you are ready to pause or stop. Some use the stop light system (3 safe words) you can use “green, yellow, red” or pick your own words. The meaning behind those words are GREEN: yes I’m ok, loving it, please keep going. YELLOW: slow down some, i need to adjust a little or I’m ok but getting close to the stopping point. RED: STOP NOW, and now means NOW, not a few minutes from now. Red can be because you are hurting beyond your pain threshold, or something that was said, an action or even a smell has triggered a flashback of some kind.

Who should have a safe word? EVERYONE.

I know the people that use RACK would argue against that, because they are “risk aware” but can you really be prepared for everything? There can be things that happen that have nothing to do with the scene like a stomach ache, or a migraine that comes on, your leg goes numb because of an injury you had years ago. Even if you never use it, have one, just in case.

Does having a safe word mean you do not trust the Dom/Top? Not at all, they are not in your head, they can only tell so much by your moans and movements, so to avoid possible physical or mental damage use the safe word. It will be easier to get back in the mood or try a different type scene after a safe word, than if you let it get to the point of mental or physical damage with no safe word.

When should you pick a safe word? NOW! Do not wait until you have a Dom/me or you are on the way to a play session. The safe word is yours, yours to pick and yours to use. Discuss this with your potential Dom/me or Top. Make sure they know what your safe word is BEFORE you start the scene!! Always use common your sense and play safe.

1978811_1467867273425058_1915552301_n

Common Mistakes New People Make

Posted: February 3, 2014 by whipchainsducttape in D/s

The number one mistake I see made by those new to D/s is thinking there is a right and a wrong way to go about playing.  While there are some safety rules that should be followed, the only people who make the rules are the ones involved in the scene or relationship.  If anyone else tells you that you are doing this wrong, tell them to mind their own business.

 

Another common mistake is rushing into things.  I know that after years and years of suppressing this desire it is very hard to take it slow when you finally find out you aren’t the only one that gets turned on by bondage. But rushing to dominate or submit to another without taking the time to get to know some skills, and each other, is a recipe for pain… that is the bad kind, not the good.  When you first get started, take the time to read the literature, join a local organization, and get to know the person you will be playing with.

 

A mistake I often see new subs make is submitting to anyone and everyone who calls themselves a dominant.  Just because someone sticks “Master”, “Mistress”, “Dom” or “Domme” in their screen name doesn’t mean you have to call them “sir” or “ma’am” or submit to their demands. For the most part, a reputable, experienced dominant knows this and will not demand unearned respect.  New dominants are sometimes guilty of this.  If someone hasn’t earned your respect, why would you act like they have?

 

Another mistake inexperienced subs often make is in setting limits.  Some make too many limits, and this will sometimes frustrate or scare off the dominant.  Much more common is a new sub setting too few limits. They feel they will not be desirable or “sub” enough if they have limits.  Take some time to think about what truly squicks you… what you do not under any circumstances want to experience at present, and make this act a limit. If a potential Dom/me won’t agree to a certain limit, walk away.  Of course, your limits will change as you become more experienced.  What you won’t submit to this year, you may crave the next.

Something else I have seen is the “Dom/me is always right” syndrome.  The joke is there are two rules in D/s:

  1. The Dom/me is always right
  2. If the Dom/me is wrong, refer to Rule #1

That’s what it is, too… just a joke. Dom/mes are human and are sometimes wrong. It isn’t a sin against the D/s gods to respectfully suggest to your Dom/me that s/he may be wrong… especially if it involves a safety issue. Just because you are a sub doesn’t mean you check your brain at the door. If you are the dominant and make a mistake, don’t be afraid to admit it and apologize. It won’t make you any less “domly”.

Finally, many newbies think that the Dom/me’s pleasure is the only thing that matters. Sure, as a sub it is your job to please your Dom/me, but it should please you as a sub, also. We play these games to make everyone happy. While there may be times you do something to please your Dom/me that you don’t enjoy, if you find yourself doing this consistently you are probably with the wrong partners.

How to act like a respectful submissive

Posted: October 31, 2013 by whipchainsducttape in D/s

A newbie’s guide to being a respectful and desired submissive.

by Jen of WCDT.

 

    A lot of BDSM has become online only practice because of most having stumbled across this either by the “50 shades” books or on a Facebook page such as my own (Whips, Chains & Duct Tape). The good quiet girl has all this sexual confusion/frustration pent-up inside her needing to be let out of her cage. Not understanding any of this NEED or that there is a name for it, many girls will create a “fake” lifestyle Facebook profile so that the friends and family do not see what the “good girl” is up to on  FB. How could you possibly explain this to your aunt or friend from the office if you barely understand it yourself? So out of fear of rejection and ridicule you hide behind that dirty girl profile and start your journey.

    Here are some things I suggest to do when starting this journey to become a desired submissive in hopes to catch the eye of a respectful Dominant, this is my opinion that I have developed from research and talking with many Dominants. This not to be taken as the only way, as there is no “right or wrong” in BDSM as long as you are safe and happy.

1. DO NOT submit to someone you do not know. IF He is a REAL Dominant He will understand, and will encourage that you take your time so you can learn about yourself, who you are as a sub and what you want in Dominant.

2. DO NOT send dirty pics to every Dom/me on Facebook (or other sites) that includes page owners as well. Yes our Dom/mes want pics of what belongs to Them, but that is AFTER you get to know this Man/Women, have made sure there is a connection, you can trust Him/Her with the pic AND AFTER YOU HAVE SUBMITTED. If you send a Dom/me naked pics to entice Him to be your Dom/me, if He/She is a REAL Dom/me, it won’t work. A REAL Dom/me wants a respectable girl who can be HIS whore when He wants her to be, NOT a whore that all His Dom/me friends know all about and now He has to train her to be a lady.

3. TAKE YOUR TIME. I know this can be very exciting, you have finally figured out what has been missing in your life, that part of you is now AWAKE and wants to play. It’s hard not to give in, but girls, you need to stop, take a breath and arm yourself with some knowledge.

4. You can NEVER learn everything. Everyday you should study about some part of BDSM. Even the parts you do not want to be a part of. If watersports is a hard limit for you, learn about it and you will be able to stand your ground on why that is not your kink. On the flip side of that is maybe you have never heard of pet play, so you do the research and learn that you have an inner kitty that is dying to claw her way out, a kink that you may of never discovered had you not done your research on kinks.

5. Learn what the differences between a Daddy, Dominant(Dom/me), and Master/Mistress. How does it change the type of relationship you are getting into? Just because you are a submissive does not  mean you cannot learn all about a Dom figure. How can you find a real Dom, your perfect match for you if you are clueless on what you are even looking for?

6. Learn about yourself. What do you want out of BDSM? Just bedroom play to bring some life back to your marriage or a complete lifestyle change? A serious 24/7, where every second is living to serve you Dom/me? Are you a submissive, pet, slave, a little? So many questions you need think about and research. Ask yourself who am i and what do i want my role in BDSM to be?

7. Relationship dynamics. There are so many but some of the more popular ones are real-time, live-in, on-line only, or long distance (LDR). Who is going to be in the relationship? It can be monogamous, open, poly (poly or D/s poly where there is one in charge and an alpha sub). Is the Dom/me (or even yourself) married to a vanilla? Does He/She have a live-in sub (married or not) and will you His/Her online only or possible LDR sub? Would you be allowed to “play” with other subs, would you even want to? Are you bi-sexual and willing to possibly with other women/men with your Dom/me? Could you handle knowing He/She cares for and has a connection with another sub? **Important note about poly…If done openly and honestly is a beautiful and rewarding experience. IF done wrong (which so many are) it can be painful, cause depression, low self-esteem and even end the relationship/friendships.

8. The best thing to do is get some lifestyle friends. Preferably real life, but on-line will do. It helps to be able to confide in someone about your excitements, disappointments and fears.  When you find that you are not alone with your emotions it’s a lot easier to process and grow from them. If possible go to a munch in your area or a city close to you, just to be around others in the lifestyle, meet new people, maybe even meet your Dom/me.

9. GO WITH YOUR GUT INSTINCTS!  If it does NOT seem right, then you need to stop, rethink what is going on, and ask someone (that you trust) if what’s going on is ok. Yes you are the sub, and are to obey YOUR Dom/me, not ALL Dom/mes. You have the right as a sub to stand up for yourself ESPECIALLY when it comes to a hard limit. You also have the right to NOT allow a “dom/me” to abuse you in the name of BDSM. Do NOT stay with a Dom/me that ignores your safety ESPECIALLY if they keep going after you safeword! Do NOT stay in a D/s relationship if the connection is not real, and you are not going to grow from that relationship. You should not fake emotions just so you can be owned.

10. SAFEWORD. Have one!!! Some like to be creative and pick their own, some us the stop light system (red, yellow & green) It does not matter if you are a new sub or if you are playing with a new Dom (new to you or new to BDSM) Have a safeword , and make sure the Dom/me knows it! It could be a matter of life or death.

11. LIMITS. These are YOUR limits. What you want to do (or do again) or try. Hard limits are something you do NOT want to try, never. Soft limits are kinks that interest you, but have never even thought of trying until now…you are turned on by the idea of it, but want to go at a slower pace, with someone you trust.

12. Communication. When you are confused, upset or need to talk about something, ask your Dom/me for a timeout. A timeout is when you stay respectful, but are allowed to express how you feeling about something going on in the relationship. Let your Dom/me know if something is bothering you, if you are upset or even scared. Emotions will be running wild and its easy to lose a grip on them. If you are not in a good head space, it can throw off a scene and make things worse. If you let your Dom/me know what is wrong, they can help you understand and get through it in an emotionally safe way.

13. A VERY IMPORTANT ONE! Show respect towards others. A Dom/me does NOT want a disrespectful sub that doesn’t know her place. A few different ways to avoid that is by doing the following. You can address other Dom/mes by either their names or Sir/Ma’am. Do NOT call another Dom Master, Daddy, Lord etc…that should be only for YOUR Dom, that is disrespectful to Him/Her and His/Her subs. DO NOT flirt with, send naked pics to or try to get a Dom/me to cheat on or leave His/Her sub. That is beyond disrespectful to do this, you should not use BDSM as an excuse to be a whore (except to your Dom). If He/She will cheat on their current sub, then i’m sure they will cheat on you. BDSM is about RESPECT (of yourself and others). You should show it in all things you do. If you are owned, then you should represent your Dom/me in a positive way.

I hope this will shed some light on the basic foundation of BDSM. A guide of where to start and things you need to think about and research BEFORE submitting or playing with others.

HOW TO ENJOY YOUR TOYS

Posted: October 17, 2013 by whipchainsducttape in D/s

Found this at an adult toy shop (The Comedy Store in Savannah GA) that Sir Will and I went to it’s full of great information on how to play with toys.

HOW TO ENJOY YOUR TOY

The primary function of a dildo is to fill the vagina or anus, providing an in/out sensation that stimulates nerve endings and feels great.

  • Lube up.
  • Slide dildo inside the vagina or anus.
  • Always insert the dildo at the same angle as your body. If it doesn’t feel right, change the angle to conform to your natural shape.
  • Hole it motionless inside, move it in and out slowly, and/or thrust it in and out intensely.
  • If you have a curved dildo, angle the curve toward the anterior of the vagina (2-4 inches in is usually your G spot).
  • Use a harness to hold your dildo in place if you want to do other things with your hands.
  • Be creative and have fun.

    DILDO-DO’S AND DON’TS

    • Do use your dildo on the outer lips and entrance of the vagina for extra sensation. It is the first third of the vagina that has the most sensation.
    • Don’t use the same toy in your anus and then your vagina  -yeast infections could result.
    • Do use flared-base dildos for anal play, harness us, or a no-slip grip.
    • Do use a condom on your dildo if you are sharing with a friend.

     

    YOUR TOY

    • Experiment: Don’t worry about what you should or shouldn’t be doing with your toy, or whether you’re doing it right. Try using it all over your body and see what feels good.
    • Use lube: Lubricant makes everything more slippery, and will undoubtedly make any sex toy experience more enjoyable. A toy that feels too big or vibrates too strongly may feel just right with the addition of a lube.
    • Go solo: Play with your toy alone before introducing it into couples play; this way you learn what feels good and then share what with your partner.
    • Fantasize: Let your mind run wild with sexy thoughts.
    • Use erotica: To get things started, watch a sexy video or read some titillating passages.
    • Be realistic: A sex toy might not save your marriage, or be a sure-fire orgasm machine, but they are a fun way to expand your sexual repertoire and learn more about your body.

    LELO-Isla-turquoise-internal-vibrator

    Lelo